rest·less

Well my blog now contains more "I'm Back" posts than any other.  Looking on it just looks like I play disappearing acts, say I'm back, fake you out, disappear again.  Good thing there isn't a real audience and that I've never actually made any promises.  It's pretty ridiculous actually.  So here I am again.  Billionth times a charm - amirite?

I think I decide it's a good idea to blog again when I reach restless points in my life.  For some reason, I hope that writing out all my feelings will cause the flickering light in my mind to settle and shine bright.

rest·less

adjective

1.

characterized by or showing inability to remain at rest: a restless mood.

2.

unquiet or uneasy, as a person, the mind, or the heart.

3.

never at rest; perpetually agitated or in motion: the restless sea.

4.

without rest; without restful sleep: a restless night.

5.

unceasingly active; averse to quiet or inaction, as persons: a restless crowd.

Well in short 1-3 are dead-on; I am having a hard time remaining at rest, I am unquiet, I am uneasy.  4 is just not me - sorry very little prevents me from sleep, also that definition is way to literal for me (You may never want to play me in Apples to Apples). And 5 is where I long to be; I long to be averse to quiet or inaction.  After looking at the definition it doesn't seem so bad to be restless.  People that aren't restless don't accomplish the BIG things.

I've never thought I was in a good place here.  Being here makes me ask the age old question of, "What am I suppose to do with my life?".  Or better yet, "What do I want to be when I grow up?".  Forget that I'm embarking on a quarter of a century very soon.  These are quite possibly the worst questions ever to battle.  The worst part is, I know the answer to these questions in my life - but like a petulant child I cannot accept it, and continually murmur I know BUT really what should I do.  I know that ultimately there isn't ONE particular thing I am to do with my life.  There isn't ONE thing I am meant to do upon adulthood forever.  My life is a journey - one full of wandering.  I even knew this enough to name my blog after it.  Yet I still throw a hissy fit, pout my lip, stomp my feet, and put my fist up to God saying "just tell me".  

I'm not any closer to answers but I am getting very good at finding these restless points in my life.  I like the restless definition so I need to like this point in my life.  The last major restless point caused me to quit my full time job, travel to Peru for 3 weeks, and live only on part time jobs.  I am terrified and excited to see what this restless period causes.  I just have my fingers crossed it doesn't lead me straight into being complacent and content.

So all that to say, I'm back and I'm restless.

 

Purpose of a Blog?

What is the purpose of a blog?

This is the question I have been struggling with for awhile, thus the long break from writing. I started with a blog a few years ago - a month a challenge sort of deal, where me and two other friends did something 'crazy' for a month and blogged about it. The vegetarian January was great, we all stuck to it, and had some funny blogs. We had a couple other good months but everything had died by around May. Not quite the year we had hoped. In that case the purpose of our blog was the documentation of us doing something new and exciting to spice up our life. Our seemingly mundane, post-college life. We advertised that blog to our friends and had quite the following (ok 15 isn't that great) but people were reading it. Because of that people knew when it crashed.

Since that point, I've continued to have the desire to blog - get my feelings out there, secretly hoping someone will find me funny enough to write a book or movie (bloggers cannot deny this secret desire). I journal basically everyday - so I should be able to type out what I'm feeling everyday, especially because I have a plethora of ideas.

I don't remember what the final catalyst was, except that I was miserably bored at work, no one was on gchat, and I had already eaten the entire work snack cabinet. I created a blog. I decided that I wouldn't tell anyone about this blog until I was a regular. Well that still hasn't happened, thus no one is actually reading this right now. I don't know what my ramifications are for 'success' but it would be more consistent and funnier blogs, so I guess that was the purpose of my second blog. Working on that...

In the midst of reaching for blog success I got a bitter taste of the ugly side of a blog. Where people get the idea that the blogs purpose is their chance to air their accomplishments, joys, complaints, and grievances. This becomes especially tricky when that grievance is about a person. Needless to say, I had my first blog post written against me (not specifically identified ptl). I am a people pleaser and have spent many years and a lot of energy guaranteeing that no one hates me. Therefore this blog shook me, as minor as it was. So then I contemplated the purpose of a blog. I didn't even know how to blog about this incident because I bickered with myself about becoming the person I dislike. But to get to the next question I had to explain my situation. Do people really want to know all my accomplishments, joys, complaints, and grievances? And I have come to the answer of No. People do not want to know everything.

That leaves me perplexed still on what I view as my purpose for blogging. Maybe it is to give a voice to my ideas, a silent voice. Maybe it is to only be positive. Maybe it is to make people think. Who knows. Maybe I will figure it out as I continue blogging. One thing is certain - I will never blog about a situation with a person (minus the explanation above), so rest assured. I leave no closer to the correct purpose of a blog, or even my purpose - maybe a blog doesn't need a purpose.

I'm Back

So here I am, far too much time has past. But I have returned (prodigal son-esque) and that's all that matters right? I'll tell myself that. I have a list in my phone a few scrolls long full of blogs I have been meaning to write. So here I am...

In a split second I almost just told myself I would do my addition of Lent as blogging everyday. I quickly realized I would be setting myself up for failure. So I will try - we know how that goes, but I do have a lot of ideas so hopefully I will take the time to get them all out.

Stay tuned invisible crowd.

Death by Social Networking

If I were going to create my own demise it would be death by social networking.

I have just recently joined the world of Twitter and I am in love #hashtagskickass. But I am now so incredibly connected to everyone; it's a little freaky. All of this social networking makes you believe people really care what you have to say, where you've been, what you think is cool, and what tattoos you are getting next. By the way - thank you Pinterest for giving me a ton of new ideas of tattoos and locations - there will be no end to my body art now. In reality half of the people are saying, 'oh neat' while the other half say 'idiot'.

My friend and I had decided Hey Telling (for those newbs out there - it is basically turning your phone into a walkie talkie) was fantastic for driving. IPhone texting and driving doesn't work so well for me #fatfingers. So we were heytelling (yep I just made it a verb) and I realized whoa, we could have had this conversation in half the time by just talking on the phone. That would have been titled a social networking fail.

Not only am I connected via The Internet to the world, but also with these so called smart phones. Last night my roommate and I wanted to skype our friend, and she wouldn't answer. Since we have a zillion ways to contact, we called her real phone, texted her, hey telled her. She finally answered our Skype - it was glorious.

You may ask why this is my demise. Ask that of my boss in a couple more months when my productivity hits rock bottom. I spend an inordinate amount of time looking at pins (and I don't even sew, or craft, or cook, or get married, or have kids), checking out blogs - livid when my favorites aren't updated every day, and scrolling facebook to see who what posts make me laugh and mock. It is so very ironic that the stops our parents put on us as young teens to limit our internet time, are the same ones we have to put on ourselves now as adults. Nothing has changed. Now I'm not sucked into the Sims for 5 hours (deleted that app off the phone), but I'm sucked into Pinterest, or Twitter, or Facebook, or Blogs, or Gchat (the classy version of AIM). There are sites you can sign up for that limit your site exposure per day - this is actually a business. A genius one at that, but one that sadly should not be needed for a bunch of adults. How on earth are we going to get anything done 5 years down the road with the number of social networking sites have quadrupled. It took me entirely to long to write this post, simply because I was entrapped in other social sites. But alas, it is a death by social networking.

Young Frankenstein

I got the wonderful opportunity to go see the Broadway play Young Frankenstein last night, and it was spectacular. It was a very last minute offer, so naturally I didn't really want to go. I like to have my days planned out perfectly before they happen, so when things 'come up', I don't normally love it. For some crazy reason, sitting at home doing nothing sounded better. Boy am I glad I went. It was a fantastic play, and did I mention we were second row center! That we did not know till we showed up.

The play itself was a wonderful mix of witty and crude dialogue, clever songs, and fantastic dancing all wrapped within a great story line. The cast was phenomenal. I don't know if it is because we were so close, but the cast was one of the best I've ever seen.

The only bad thing was the inappropriate and maybe drunk man in front of us.

I would highly recommend this to anyone and everyone unless you are under the age of 15. And unless you and your parents are totally cool with talking about sex, don't go with them - it will make for an incredibly uncomfortable night.

Overall Rating of what I have seen:

1. Wicked
2. Lion King
3. Young Frankenstein
4. Rock of Ages
5. Billy Elliot
6. Chicago
7. Mamma Mia

Surrender

What a loaded title. To give some back story - On the second night of the conference our pastor told us to think of a word that represented the trip for us personally. I went to the service that night and as I was thinking about what my word would be I was drawn to the song, 'I raise my white flag, I surrender all to you'. I realized quickly what my word was, but didn't know why until the next night.

So if you think about surrendering in war - it always has a very negative connotation, like you are a weak traitor. But if you think about war, from the perspective of the person surrendering - they are choosing their best option. At that time they realize that whatever lies ahead in the others hands is better off than where they are right now. Where they are right now is no longer worth fighting and dying for. The unknown is finally better than the know.

In my life I am ready to surrender. Where I am heading right now is no longer worth fighting for, my life in the hands of God is much better. This takes a three-fold aspect in my life.

Surrender the Past: As I mentioned in the last post, the last year was pretty rough especially December. So first off in this route of surrender, I have to let go of my past. I have to give it up and let it go. I have to stop dwelling on it and blaming myself for past events. They are done!

Surrender the Present: In my life this mainly is my thought process. My present is the day I am currently living - which is what life is made of. If I cannot surrender my present, I cannot surrender my life. So I will make a conscious effort to daily alter my thought process, and live my day as one that is free. One not guided by my friends, or by society.

Surrender the Future: This part is the hardest - it requires getting of the couch of 'I'll do what I'm meant to do, once I figure it out'. It's very comfortable to not make a decision and not do anything with the excuse of trying to figure it out. So the future is out the window in planning. If I surrender the present, ie the day then my future will be great. I will be living intentionally.

I'm not exactly sure how to 'do' all of this, but this is revelation one from the conference. So I will keep you posted on this route to surrender...

Welcome 2012!

Thank God it's 2012. Not that I regret, or wish time didn't happen - but I expect so much more out of this year than 2011. I started writing a post in late December and it was going to be a very depressing post about how everything is such a cluster. Parts of December were probably the lowest of the low for me thus far in life - and I was about to blast it out to the world. Maybe it's good I was distracted and didn't get that blog written.

My blog now is one of hope and revelation and joy. I went to Passion (a giant conference for 18-25 year olds) and I have learned more in the past 4 days than ever (in a very short amount of time). I've learned more about God, and more about myself and the beautiful connection between the two. It shocked me actually - for all the numerous mission trips I take, I assume it will 'click' most while holding an orphan or feeding those on the streets, but somehow it 'clicked' while standing in the Georgia Dome with 42,000 people singing praise to God. It may take quite a few posts to digest all I have experienced. I will start by saying what this blog will morph into, God willing.

For history sake - I have successfully lived 24 years without offending anyone. That may be quite bold to say, but I really cannot think of anything I have done that has offended anyone and if it has that I haven't crawled with apologies. I always thought life would be better if I gathered all the friends possible (a slew of people that would 'like' me), and to do that I felt I had to succeed in never made anyone uncomfortable. To my friends that don't love God, I lessen my love for God. To my friends that love God, I heighten my love for God. Both groups think I'm great - that was my goal right?

But really is that the best life. That's not an exciting life. That's not a life of identity. It's a life where I have more dinners with friends than I have days, where I continually try to keep up with everyone, where I am never truly myself. Where I constantly question who I am.

So I will blog more - but I will not make everything offense-less. I will spill out what I'm thinking whether that's physical, emotional, or spiritual battles or accomplishments. So it's out there officially. I love God. Call it my New Years Resolution to live this way.